Buddhists texts list 5 major hindrances that get in the way of well-being, peace and enlightenment. Those are:
- Sensual desire (kamacchanda)
- Ill-will (byapada)
- Sloth and torpor (thina-middha)
- Restlessness and remorse (uddhacca-kukkucca)
- Sceptical doubt (vicikiccha).
While the other 4 have certainly not been conquered, doubt has been a particular thorn in my practice over the past few year. A thorn, I fear, which has created a festering wound and requires special attention.
However doubt is difficult to tackle because it is often confused with healthy scepticism, the kind of scepticism the Buddha encourages which asks us not to take anything at face value but to find things out for ourselves through our own investigative practice.
On top of this, the wording to explain what doubt feels like can also be confused with teachings about impermanence. Nothing is sure, nothing is certain as Ajahn Chah used to say. Where do you find faith in uncertainty? More specifically where can we find faith in ourselves when nothing is certain?
Because the poison of doubt often manifests itself with the mantra “Am I good enough”. But the question is far more subtle and insidious than this. For my part I notice it more when the praise I receive has no positive impact and is typically received with a gratitude that feels like it is based on quicksand.
Worse still, I have noticed it creates tension and irritation if I bring the slightest notion of doubt and questioning to a casual conversation I have with others. The likes of “I would have thought that …” or “Are you sure that …” are, as they probably should, received with various levels of hostility, even when the intention is to be helpful.
Doubt feels like weeds growing in a garden. Some weeds have pretty flowers so you allow them to stay, even if they are likely to take over the entire garden and prevent the plants you are actively trying to grow from thriving. Where is the line between mindful investigation and poisonous doubt?
The simile from the suttas tell us:
A man traveling through a desert, aware that travelers may be plundered or killed by robbers, will, at the mere sound of a twig or a bird, become anxious and fearful, thinking: “The robbers have come!” He will go a few steps, and then out of fear, he will stop, and continue in such a manner all the way; or he may even turn back. Stopping more frequently than walking, only with toil and difficulty will he reach a place of safety, or he may not even reach it.
It is similar with one in whom doubt has arisen in regard to one of the eight objects of doubt.[4] Doubting whether the Master is an Enlightened One or not, he cannot accept it in confidence, as a matter of trust. Unable to do so, he does not attain to the paths and fruits of sanctity. Thus, as the traveler in the desert is uncertain whether robbers are there or not, he produces in his mind, again and again, a state of wavering and vacillation, a lack of decision, a state of anxiety; and thus he creates in himself an obstacle for reaching the safe ground of sanctity (ariya-bhumi). In that way, sceptical doubt is like traveling in a desert.
Of course the above deals with doubt in the Buddha, Dhamma, Sangha which isn’t relevant here but the simile still stands as something I can relate to. Doubt begets fear, resentment and ill-will (or just plain ill).
On the abandonment of sceptical doubt the texts say:
There is a strong man who, with his luggage in hand and well armed, travels through a wilderness in company. If robbers see him even from afar, they will take flight. Crossing safely the wilderness and reaching a place of safety, he will rejoice in his safe arrival. Similarly a monk, seeing that sceptical doubt is a cause of great harm, cultivates the six things that are its antidote, and gives up doubt. Just as that strong man, armed and in company, taking as little account of the robbers as of the grass on the ground, will safely come out of the wilderness to a safe place; similarly a monk, having crossed the wilderness of evil conduct, will finally reach the state of highest security, the deathless realm of Nibbana. Therefore the Blessed One compared the abandonment of sceptical doubt to reaching a place of safety.
Comparing the abandonment of doubt to reaching some kind of sanctuary makes sense. The feeling safety is based on trust and faith. But where does one find a place of safety, a sanctuary or safe heaven?
I wish I could end this on a positive note, with a solution of some kind but I am still looking. And finding words which are not heavy with doubt is still very much a struggle.
Source text: https://www.accesstoinsight.org/lib/authors/nyanaponika/wheel026.html